Mitchell Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian. He was known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements.
Hedberg's standup comedy was distinguished by the unique manner of speech he adopted later in his career, his abrupt delivery, and his unusual stage presence. His material was based on wordplay, nonsequiturs, paraprosdokians, and object observations. Hedberg began his stand-up career in Florida, and after a period of honing his skills, he moved to Seattle and began to tour.
This is a collection of 50+ funniest Mitch Hedberg quotes.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died. Mitch Hedberg
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up. Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. Mitch Hedberg
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. Mitch Hedberg
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Mitch Hedberg
Why are there no during pictures. Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg
I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg
You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg
An escalator can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Mitch Hedberg
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. Mitch Hedberg
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too. Mitch Hedberg
I've got an idea for sweat shops: Air Conditioning! Problem solved. Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. Mitch Hedberg
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait. Mitch Hedberg
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. Mitch Hedberg
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME. Mitch Hedberg
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Mitch Hedberg
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